Fable 2

2010-08-25 16:17:33

Fable. A Myth, a tale spun of glorious deeds and outstanding adventure. Fables is all Peter Molyneux seems to be able to spin for us. Only they are not fables in video games. But Fables about video games.


Today I'm going to talk about Fable II. the sequel to the widely successful Fable. Fable for Xbox was a fairly decent product that set out to give a user some goals and some different way to achieve those goals, ultimately the game was mostly a linear progression with RPG levelling(for customization) and a moral code system for color. So your character was customizable, you could wear all manner of outfits hairstyles and tattoos, gesture happily or rudely at the peasants and beat down bad guys or crush the hopes of the goodly people. it was all in your hand. by the end of the day though you had to take out the guy trying to take over the hero HQ, in the end saving the day even if it is just so you could theoretically crush it.


Fable II is not that game, it is not even in the same league as that game. We were told that every action would have consequences in the game world. what we received was the most assinine MMO turned singleplayer slowly steeped in the bottomless pit of watery pig shit I've ever played.


So once again we're the nameless hero boy that needs to grow up and be a man, the growing up process actually happens so fast that you really don't get to experience being the boy, unlike the first game. you do like maybe 1 mission as the boy and poof out comes a man. Afterwards you are in a free roaming environment with the sole good thing in the game. A dog, you have a pet dog that you can test tricks and will help you win over the populace. he plays great fetch and does pretty lifelike dog things, so he's cute and perfect in just about every way you can imagine.


But that's the only thing worth praising about this game. The rest of the game is very World of Warcraft like in art direction and in the way that the games quests are put together. it feels so much like soloing in WoW that you might forget that you are not actually playing WoW. Only exception is that you can woo women and marry them and then have them nag about how you're never around while you do all the heroic things you are supposed to be doing.


Once again there's a pretty boring moral code system in place, it affects your looks as well as the emotees you can perform. One of my emotes was a emote to fart, and you could hold the emote button down for a length of time in order to make it more impressive, but hold it too long and you might end up sharting instead and losing impression points. the emote system is basically your way to interact with peasants without killing them.


But the worst and I mean the worst thing in the game was the shitty half implemented Fitness system. The way that this game does it is retarded. Here I am super sword swingy hero type, moving fast and kicking ass, I stop by the shops to stock up on food supplies(health) and health potions when I can get them. Let's say I get in a real bloody combat, so I pop my potions and start having to eat meat pies which grant the best health per unit, after a bit of meat pie snacking suddenly you are a giant fatass, like you've done nothing your entire life but suck down meat pies and fart like a couch potato of modern times. Not a swashbuckler look in the slightest.


So how do we lose the weight? does exercise work? I spent hour upon hour doing lots of combat that would certainly make any fat man pass out in exhaustion to no avail, I was a fatass for a solid week with that tactic. So I looked it up. Apparently you can lose the fat by making "healthy" eating decisions. Which amounted to buying the 1 carrot and 1 celery in the whole fucking land, and eating that once a day(for -5 fat points) and after essentially 2 hours of game play time running back to the house, sleeping coming back the next day for more unfat food, you'll be thin.


I don't know if they were trying to inject some health education in the game for the kiddies, but I'll tell you what, if I'm a beefy stud hero slaying millions of pirates in minutes effortlessly and with a quickness, I'm pretty sure I've burned enough calories to indulge in a handful of meat pies. Also I'm pretty sure when people farm carrots and deliver them to the grocer, they give the grocer more than 1 fucking carrot a day! what the fuck! how the hell is that even logical? They set the whole thing up for failure, letting the user buy like 20 pies of various kinds a day, but only 2 fat-- foods a day.


At that point and after beating the game and receiving it's bland blah blah saved the world again ending and let me roam free, I tucked the game in the sleeve and sent that shit packing, a real turd of a game and I'll probably end up playing Fable 3 just to warn you of how much it stinks too. All of Peter's games are incredibly pedestrian, bland and above all insulting in ways that other publishers just haven't been able to duplicate. Lionhead more like turtlehead, about to get flushed.


Reason Rank
Start 10
flavorless unless you think WoW has flavor -5
poorly built fitness/fatness system leaves you stuck fat like in real life. this is a game -7
basically rehash of the 1st game just more "sandboxy", cashing in on popular styles with vanilla flavored shit is still shit -4
Final -6/10

This game  is a cancerous growth on the gaming community, avoid coming in contact with this substance.