Halo 3

2008-12-07 21:54:08

Halo 3 (Xbox360)

In the world of writing reviews on bad games the absence of a review can mean the support of the product. To be honest I've written a review on this game, but apparently the game was so shitty it caused my review to burst spontaneously into digital flames and burn permanent scars into my screen, my hard drive and my memory. So here we go ladies and gents, let's take the man-cannon into a lake of raw sewage.

Was there really any more hyped game release than Halo 3 ever? I have never seen a game whore itself more since Rapelay. I mean you couldn't walk 2 feet in Gamestop without being knee deep in Halo Merch and a drop to the knees short of sucking Master Chief's private assualt rifle and "sticky" grenades. I mean they had every type of merch available, keychains, CD cases, Controller Cases, LAN Party SPNKer Rocket Cases, T-shirts, Lapel Pins, Small scale models of Halo weapons, Halo 3 Action Figures, Halo 3 controllers, and for fucks sake a Halo 3 Xbox 360.

Never has a game been more of a disappointment, everyone acclaimed how this was to be the biggest baddest Halo ever, but they were only half right. It certainly was the baddest Halo ever, much like the Power Glove. It's so BAD..

First as a person who played Halo 1 on PC and Halo 2 on the original Xbox, I can say that the story while generic was well done, and I honestly think the controls on the console version were better than the controls on PC, but I fought through the original on PC and beat it, the thought of multiple halo rings throughout the galaxy was a scary concept that guarenteed at least 1 sequel. At the beginning of the 2nd game we have the ousting of the Covenant elites to be replaced by Brutes, this lead to players feeling some compassion for their old nemesis and opportunities to play as Covenant Elite known as the arbiter through half of the game. New to this title was the ability to dual wield weapons, and online players most hated weapon, the Sword. Online play was fast, and built upon the best matchmaking system in console gaming, the system was very very good, guests could play alongside live players in unranked sections of matchmaking and friends could hop on and join you in your local play events. These were the things that Halo 3 had to build on, a fast awesome online platform with outstanding maps, good though semi-unbalanced weapons, and awesome matchmaking. But like any good thing, further advancement beyond it's prime only serves to fuck it up.

Where to begin. First it abundantly clear that Halo developers at Bungie listened to the "competitive player" archetype, you know, the kind that like to bully other players by telling them how much cock they slob because they're bad at video games and how they are so sexually gifted they fucked your mom and gave birth to you, etc etc ad naseum. This is clear because Bungie decided to completely rebalance the entire game, and not only that, render your previous play experience with Halo products worthless.

First lets look at the base Physics, the physics of the game have been remodeled to meet closer to the information contained in the novels, Master Chef is now a lot taller than he was in the past, making hitting pesky grunts a bit more of a challenge, and Master Chef can now leap 1.5x as high, and can lob grenades 4 times as far, rendering your skill at throwing grenades if you're familiar with Halo 2 into a completely useless exercise, you have to completely relearn the controls and handling. Everything also feels a bit slower, but that could be because the maps feature way more open terrain in which to get raped..

And what does open terrain breed? bigger maps, and what comes with bigger maps? LOAD TIMES. Great thing about Halo 2 was that I could load up any map, setup all my settings and the game would snap right into gameplay, With Halo 3 I can go outside, have a cigarette, pour a rum and coke, drink it slowly, and maybe eat a sandwich before the game lets me play. whoever thought it was a good idea to not optimize load times in the multiplayer haven't had a house full of drunken FPS players, it gets uglier than Joan Rivers before the makeup. They really need to be drug out into the street by their thumbs and curb stomped by teenagers everywhere.

They also disabled dual wield for the needlers, I guess the slow acting pink mist was just too good in Halo 2 so they had to take away half of the fire capacity, making the needler 1 of the 2 worst guns in halo 3, right next to the Plasma Pistol since they no longer track enemies as easily as they could before. Granted Plasma Pistols ultimately should just die in a fire since they were incredibly cheap in Halo 2, they should've just cut them out altogether.

They also added a whole bunch of extra "equipment" such as shield drainers, shield regenerators, bubble barriers, blast shields, and all kinds of other bonus items. This does nothing more than make combat muddier than a walk through the Everglades. So now you have to contend with and evade all these other items in addition to fighting the physics, and all the balance they added in they immediately stripped away with the inclusion of the bubble shield and the barriers. Some doors in the game have barriers on them that nothing can pass through except people, so often times combat devolves into people standing behind these barricades waiting for the enemy to walk into the barrier or get close enough for the door camper to pop through the door with a sword or hammer. Same can be done with the Bubble shield only bubble shields can be made anywhere. Also instead of nerfing the sword they just added another new instant kill weapon for double the cheese, now you can swordwhore, or hammerwhore, your choice.

The single player is pretty much the same as it always was in the Halo series, fight Covenent, find and fight flood, then fight more covenent until final boss and win. However they were kind enough to pay homage to the original games awesome driving ending where you have to get away from a giant explosion. Two things that are really horrible about Halo 3 was that inside the Flood ship all the doors looked like giant assholes so it was like an interactive colon cancer destruction simulator, and that a ghost of Cortana would appear to block all of your vision with her ominous words every 10 feet in the game, causing your character to slow the fuck down and be unresponsive and there is no way to skip past this shitty ingame scene.

Halo 3 was the last in the series but also the first one in the Next Gen arena and it shows. While the other games were pretty clean and crisp graphically, Halo 3 looks like Halo 2 run through an economy bucket of vaseline and then maglites placed around your screen at random points to blind you. I literally felt burning in my eyes from the bloom effects around the burning Flood ship. Shit just doesn't need to be that bright to be realistic, as if Halo 3 could even get close to realism when you consider half the time you're wielding guns that look like they were made by Mattel for their Barbie line of toys.

The Movie Clip recording feature and map editing can produce suprising results and game modifications to the rules of game types are extremely configurable, which is Halo 3's only real saving grace. I mean the Halo series has always been about GI Joes(Humans) vs Barbie(Aliens packing feminine colored accessories, makes you wonder if Bungie Devs have ever had Sex) in outer space, and so you really can't change the formula that much in the 3rd installment, but to completely fuck up gameplay balance, and basically promote the Bro mentality of "you all suck cocks here's a clip of me planting my sticky balls all over your white Spartan asshole" lend to this game being everything bad about Xbox gaming.

One final disappointment seals the utter garbage of this game. Halo 2 featured 4 player online multiplayer on 1 box, but only 2 player co-op, One of the big early news for Halo 3 was the availability of 4 player co-op, and I thought AWESOME! I can finally get use out of my 4 360 controllers, and I can get everyone working together locally. but not so! Nope, only 2 player local co-op even though the console support 4 players, but if you get on live you can have 4 players co-op. Such a slap in the face to those of us with real life friends and family to kill things together with. I don't care if they had to reduce the vaseline used or the number of mag lites shining on the screen to allow me to play 4 players on 1 screen, they should've made it happen. But hell, it's not like they lost any money on the game, the game sold itself on hype alone, even if Bungie has just placed warm fecal deposits in each case they still would've sold enough shit to have one of the highest purchased games of all time. The novelty of the customizable multiplayer wore off around the time a real FPS was released.

Reason Rank
Start 10
Most advanced Multiplayer Customization on a Console +8
Barbie guns and Eye Burning Bloom -5
Generic Formulaic Gameplay -5
More hype than content